I'm working reallyyyyyyy hard to be able to have a new post at least once a week. I'm not quite there yet, which is obvious, but realize that if it takes me so long to come out with a new post, it means I'm sitting in the dining room working until 10pm every night just to get caught up on school. Like I talked about in the last post, I was EXTREMELY far behind on school. Currently I'm so much closer to being caught up, but I'm not there yet.
OK, so I'll keep this brief, but I wanted to continue on what I was telling you in the last post.
After church the day I rededicated, I went out to dinner with my family and basically explained to them why the heck I was up there. My mom-if not the boys too-knew that I just wasn't myself and that I was behind on school and that I had had some issues with depression earlier that fall, but even the people closest to me in my life had NO IDEA what I was really going through because I was bottling it up and not letting anyone know what was going on.
So I urge you, if you have a friend that's generally quiet and seems happy, drag answers out of them on how they are ACTUALLY feeling. Even if they won't pour out their heart to you and tell you exactly what's going on, they'll know that you care enough to persist and that alone will give them some encouragement and pull them out of their little funk.
Anyways, I digress: The weeks after I rededicated were incredible. I was flying by the seat of my pants and realizing just how many areas of my life needed fixing. My school world and work ethic obviously needed some help....so I simply moved the area where I was doing everything and listened to music from my Zune instead so I could block everything else out. That isolation was REALLY hard for me at first, but now I definitely prefer it because I get so much more done when I have no distractions.
There were a ton of other things in my life that needed reformation as well. My prayer life was on the rocks, my living area was a disaster, I realized I hadn't even touched my Bible in about 4 months, I was eating in an unhealthy way, I was getting pretty complacent as far as physical activity is concerned, I was neglecting my relationships with friends and family, and I was not even considering how God would have me serve.
I'm not going to lie and tell you that turning your heart back to God makes everything easy...because these last couple months have been some of the hardest I've ever had. It's hard to reform just one area of your life, but it's so much harder to try to fix like 20 things at the same time. I pretty much just went to bed later and got up earlier; and even if it ended up taking me 3 hours on a given morning I would spend as much time as I needed with God. Morning after morning I was waiting to become normal again and start becoming numb, but it hasn't happened yet. I wake up and feel this overwhelming love that leaves me curled up on my bed weeping almost every morning-but definitely not the sad kind of weeping. I have never been happier in my life than I am right now.
When I was in middle school, I spent a HUGE amount of time learning about spiritual disciplines. At that point in time I was like, "yeah, yeah, spiritual discplines...those neccesary things that everyone hates....those things that ya just kinda have to do to be a good Christian...." It was all kind of surfacy then, because deep down I KNEW I needed to cultivate spiritual discplines, yet I saw no need to start any time soon.
Now, however, I am ever-increasingly convinced how vital spiritual discplines are to your relationship with God. If you aren't listening to God (a.k.a reading the Bible), how can you learn Him? If you aren't being held accountable (a.k.a being in fellowship with other Christians), how can you grow? If you don't even talk to Your Creator, how do you think you're gonna know what His Will is for you?
I'm reading an incredible book currently called Praise Habit, by the fantastic David Crowder. He essentially speaks of the importance of wearing Jesus the way that Nuns wear their Habits. Worshiping God is not confined to church on Sunday mornings or standing on a beach at sunrise. He can be seen in the good times of our lives AND the dark times.
However, there's also a fragile balance between having spiritual disciplines and becoming a super-religious legalistic monster. I definitely don't want to be that again. I think though that as long as you are growing and enjoying the habit you are in, and as long as you do it out of sheer love for God rather than obligation, that that habit is good and beneficial to you.
So, all at once I started to cultivate some disciplines into my life. It's been really tough. I can't tell you how much it's changed me though....I can't even measure it anymore. I've read through so much of the Bible since then and I look forward to spending that time with God every morning and every night. I finally started doing Bible Bowl again and it's been kind of addictive. I'm so excited about playing now and want to just get better and better. I also look for every moment now to serve or be a blessing to other people.
Now, if all this is starting to get obnoxious to you, I have some advice: STOP READING. If you're still here, I just want to mention that I tell you all this not to toot my own horn, and boast about what I've accomplished in the last couple months, but rather tell you what God has done. I mean, I had to get up every morning and submit, but that's really all I've done. 1&2 Corinthians tells us manyyyy many times in many ways, "Let Him who boasts, boast in the Lord". If you read the last few chapters of 2 Corinthians, Paul does a LOTTTTTT of boasting. But he always does it with the attitude of "Well, here's what happened, but it wasn't me. If you're gonna be impressed, be impressed with God." That's kinda what I'm aiming for now.
Finally, I want to just tell you what the title means. I often have a particular phrase or a song lyric that's stuck in my head for weeks or months at a time. It is literally in my thoughts every moment of the day that I'm not thinking about something else from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Well, since all this craziness started, my thought has been "Harder Lord Jesus". And sometimes I'm sitting there at 11:30 at night studying Bible Bowl and my head is throbbing from a headache and my mind shifts to old thinking. I sit back for a moment and sigh and think, "What is the point of working my butt of all day every day? I am TIRED of this. I can't do it anymore. I WON'T do it anymore."
Then that sweet, painful, beautiful, testing thought comes into my mind again: "Harder, Lord Jesus. Harder. Harder. Harder. Push me harder. You were perfect and still you pushed yourself harder for me. Harder, harder harder." And pretty soon, oddly enough, I feel like I have the strength to keep going.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Of Imperfections
Once again, it has been WAYYYY too long since I've posted. A lot has happened in my life in the beginning of this new year and I feel like anyone that reads this should know about it, so I'm sorry it took me so long.
My new year started kinda rough. To be quite concise, I was extremely unhappy with life. The craziest part is that only the people who are ridiculously close to me had an idea that something was wrong. Basically, what was going on is something that's been building up inside of me for 3 years. Three years is actually 1/5th of my life....so I consider it all to be quite significant. ;)
OK, so when I was in 8th grade, all of the sudden I had a heavy work load. The classes I was taking were very time consuming, more was expected of me, etc, etc. PLUS add to that the fact that I decided to memorize the entire text in Bible Bowl that year. The text was the Gospel of John, 1st, 2nd and 3rd John and 1st and 2nd Peter. BUT I was very determined....ridiculously determined. Within the first month of competition I was behind. We had to learn John 1-6 before the first round robin and I remember sitting there on my bed crying because it was a couple days from competition and I was only halfway through chapter 6. It was actually the longest chapter in our text that year and very daunting. So I didn't have all of it memorized by our local round robin that Saturday. Well then the next month I not only had several NEW chapters, but catching up on the previous month PLUS catching up on the school I had gotten behind in. Well this started a CRAZY chain reaction and cycle down. By Christmas of '07 I had been sick for a couple months straight, was wayyyyy behind on Bible Bowl, wayyyyyy behind on school and absolutely exhausted. It was a big load for a 13 year old girl to bear.
Basically somewhere mid-second-semester I realized all this craziness had to stop...I was absolutely worn out and burnt out. So, I did what a LOT of burnt out Bible Bowlers do and I stopped completely. Yes, I was still on the team. Yes, I went to practice twice a week. Yes, I went to tournaments that Spring and Summer. Yes, I was at my church every time the doors were open. But was I actually there? Was I playing my role and fulfilling my commitment to the team? Was I doing well at school? Was I growing at church and spending time with my friends? Absolutely not.
It drove me mad. I was stubborn. I was a control-freak. I begged my parents to let me quit some of the extra-curricular stuff I was doing (i.e music lessons and karate) but they didn't let me. (Now I really do thank them for making me keep doing them, by the way.) I thought if I could get control of this thing and tackle it with all the gusto I had, that it would go away and I would be proud of myself and life would be so good. But I really struggled.
In reflection, I have been significantly behind in school and/or Bible Bowl for the entirety of 3 years. I've started fresh with no work to make up for when each school year starts, but one way or another I've gotten behind. It's not my parent's fault or the curriculum's fault for being too heavy of a work-load. But that is what I kept blaming it for being. It started in 8th grade and has been spinning out of control ever since.
I am naturally a perfectionist. I set very high goals and have worked very hard to achieve them. I am extremely independent and controlling, not necessarily of other people but of my own affairs. I am insanely prideful and love to be the best. I want my life to have purpose and look back and be absolutely satisfied that I used every moment I humanly could have. So I spent all this time trying to get myself together and fix things but I kept falling down again and again and AGAIN and AGAIN.
Something very scary happens when a perfectionist fails. They get so upset that they failed that they try again and push everyone who wants to help out of the way. They try again and have no support and fail again. Now they have even more stuff to deal with and fix. The more they try the more they fail. The HARDER they fall, the MADDER they get. The HARDER they try, the more prideful they become. The more prideful they become, the harder they fall yet again. But they are so determined to fix all of the messes on their own that they keep going in this vicious, ugly cycle.
So I guess right now I'm confessing something to you: I've been spending 3 years throwing myself deeper and deeper into this cycle....but keep in mind almost NO ONE had a clue. I had legitimate bouts of depression because basically: when you have a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, and you want to do it really really well but you have in the back of your mind all the times you failed, all you're gonna do is fail even more. That made me start to attack who I am and a whole bunch of amazing people in my life.
I spent a lot of time just saying I'm fine. I was still experiencing the ups and downs of the Christian experience, but there was always something going on underneath...something deeper than most people could see in my life. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't a monster that everyone was afraid of for 3 years. IN FACT, I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I'M REALLY RELUCTANT TO ADMIT: There are a BUNCH of people in my life who kept telling me how perfect I was! And I was sitting back thinking about who I am and kinda cringing inside.
So I was kind of like Hannah Montana: There was a girl that everyone saw that seemed to have everything quite together, and who loved to write, who gave advice to people ALL the time, who was at church all time and getting closer and closer to friends, and who was constantly striving to have a better relationship with God. But lurking in the shadows was the other Kayla: Constantly upset with who I am physically, spiritually, and relationally, falling through the cracks, getting depressed from time to time, really ticked with myself at the choices I made and secretly quite upset that no one noticed.
Something that was really confusing is that every so often we would go on a retreat...and I would genuinely be moved...I would feel God say something to me and I would actually act upon this conviction. I was really really happy for a while and I was determined not to let that status change. But just like they always warned us, I would go home and things WOULD go back to normal. This made my perfectionist self even MORE frustrated, because *I* wanted to keep changing my life. (Do you know yet where my story is going?)
2009 saw everything get worse and worse. I got more and more bitter because of situations that came up in my life. I got further and further behind on school. I completely STOPPED trying with Bible Bowl this season because way back in 8th grade I lost that drive because of over-working. Then when I wouldn't do well each month, I was yet MORE upset at my imperfections. I had the worst little bout of depression in October of 2009...I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore...I was really really lonely....I attacked myself mentally all the time and it was exhausting. My thoughts took me to very dark places....yada yada yada. I look back at that period and grit my teeth. All I can really say without boring you to death is that I was warped and lonely and disillusioned and it took some beautiful caring people in my life to help yank me out of that. But my problem was still not solved....
FINALLY just now in the beginning of 2010 something finally changed. I decided it was time to post something here on my blog about my regrets and my failures and imperfections. So I got on and wrote for hours and hours about basically everything I've just told you, but actually believe it or not in greater detail. As I was sitting here writing I had a bunch of thoughts going through my head. Some of them were, "Why are you posting this? No one wants to read about all the times you've screwed up. Then again, you HAVE to post it and suck up your failures. Part of getting over your perfectionism is making yourself vulnerable. But if you post this, everyone will see all your flaws and look at you different and will no longer think that you're the perfect girl they want to be like."
I just kept writing and kept writing....but I was getting more and more nauseous. It was all really starting to bother me and I didn't know whether I should post it or not. So I saved it as a draft and went to bed. I had been in a habit of praying before I fell asleep every night but that night I deliberately chose not to talk to God. I was soooooooo mad at myself and so sick of the way my life had been for so long that I just shut everything out. I really hate to admit it, but I was so low in that moment that I went beyond questioning God and actually yelled at Him. My disillusioned mind was making everything I thought warped and sinful. I have NEVER been so low. I've been depressed before and felt really helpless and hopeless but my mind was constantly on my need for God to help my out of that pit. But in that moment that night, I blocked God's love out of my mind and all the amazing experiences I'd had and my faith and redemption and all these beautiful things. My religion was so focused around myself.....and I had absolutely no clue.....so when I failed and destroyed perfection I blamed it on God. Even though I was claiming over and over again that I was surrendering to Him, I don't know if I truly was. All I could think about was my failures.
So I went to sleep numb and yet very raw. I was a mess, and not in the cutesy-Southern way. I woke up on Sunday morning even worse. FURIOUS at myself and God and my family and everything, I laid there churning over more and more things. I blamed God for me never being able to get things right. So in essence, I blamed God for not making it possible for *me* to redeem myself.
All of the sudden, I FINALLY reached my breaking point. I broke down FINALLY and sobbed and cried and wondered why. Then in my mind I said, "I absolutely CAN. NOT. DO THIS ANYMORE." All at once 3 years of hard work, pain, failure, complacency, pride, and facade were made completely obvious to me. I have never felt so disgusting. It was nauseating, once again. I sat there and held my breath and wondered what I was supposed to do and kind of in a daze. Finally I was like, "oh, ummm.....I think I should pray..." (as you can see, I was at a loss for just about everything).
That prayer is between me and God, but I got cleansed. It was like living Amazing Grace. As I prayed and talked to God we made everything right that had been wrong for 3 years and I was so calm and so confident that something right was finally going on. God clearly welcomed me back home...I actually am 100% convinced that He did some things just for me. As I was praying I had my Zune playing in the background, just on shuffle. I kid you not, RIGHT as I started confessing a bunch of stuff to God and pleading for forgiveness, the song "Come Home Running" by Chris Tomlin came on and I bawled. Here's the lyrics to that song:
O Heart of Mine, why must you stray?
From One so fair, you've run away
And one more time you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
O Heart of Mine, come back home
you've been too long out on your own
and He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road
So come home running, His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus and He understands
He is the answer, that you are looking for
So come home running, just as you are
O Child of God So Dearly Loved
And ransomed by the Savior's Love
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness
Umm ok, so I think needless to say I was bawling. I spent a while longer praying and thanking God for forgiving me and pretty soon after that went to church. Let's just say before the pastor even got up to speak my heart was POUNDING. They played a video before the sermon that was absolutely perfect for me. Then he got up and every moment of his sermon my heart was pounding. I didn't know exactly what I should do but I was trying to sit still and wait for God. His sermon was about burdens that we HAVE to surrender to God. He taught about David and Bathsheeba and how it was during that situation that David was called a man after God's own hear because of his broken spirit. The sermon ended, the invitation started, and suddenly I was standing there on my tip-toes whispering in Bill's ear. The lights blinded my eyes and I could feel every eye in the room staring at us....and I rededicated my life to God. I came home.
OK, I REALLY need to stop now....but I HAD to get what's been going on out there in the open. Stay tuned for a post on what's happened since then, because God has not slowed down to this moment in redeeming me.
It's a very, VERY scary thing when a person tries to be their own God.
My new year started kinda rough. To be quite concise, I was extremely unhappy with life. The craziest part is that only the people who are ridiculously close to me had an idea that something was wrong. Basically, what was going on is something that's been building up inside of me for 3 years. Three years is actually 1/5th of my life....so I consider it all to be quite significant. ;)
OK, so when I was in 8th grade, all of the sudden I had a heavy work load. The classes I was taking were very time consuming, more was expected of me, etc, etc. PLUS add to that the fact that I decided to memorize the entire text in Bible Bowl that year. The text was the Gospel of John, 1st, 2nd and 3rd John and 1st and 2nd Peter. BUT I was very determined....ridiculously determined. Within the first month of competition I was behind. We had to learn John 1-6 before the first round robin and I remember sitting there on my bed crying because it was a couple days from competition and I was only halfway through chapter 6. It was actually the longest chapter in our text that year and very daunting. So I didn't have all of it memorized by our local round robin that Saturday. Well then the next month I not only had several NEW chapters, but catching up on the previous month PLUS catching up on the school I had gotten behind in. Well this started a CRAZY chain reaction and cycle down. By Christmas of '07 I had been sick for a couple months straight, was wayyyyy behind on Bible Bowl, wayyyyyy behind on school and absolutely exhausted. It was a big load for a 13 year old girl to bear.
Basically somewhere mid-second-semester I realized all this craziness had to stop...I was absolutely worn out and burnt out. So, I did what a LOT of burnt out Bible Bowlers do and I stopped completely. Yes, I was still on the team. Yes, I went to practice twice a week. Yes, I went to tournaments that Spring and Summer. Yes, I was at my church every time the doors were open. But was I actually there? Was I playing my role and fulfilling my commitment to the team? Was I doing well at school? Was I growing at church and spending time with my friends? Absolutely not.
It drove me mad. I was stubborn. I was a control-freak. I begged my parents to let me quit some of the extra-curricular stuff I was doing (i.e music lessons and karate) but they didn't let me. (Now I really do thank them for making me keep doing them, by the way.) I thought if I could get control of this thing and tackle it with all the gusto I had, that it would go away and I would be proud of myself and life would be so good. But I really struggled.
In reflection, I have been significantly behind in school and/or Bible Bowl for the entirety of 3 years. I've started fresh with no work to make up for when each school year starts, but one way or another I've gotten behind. It's not my parent's fault or the curriculum's fault for being too heavy of a work-load. But that is what I kept blaming it for being. It started in 8th grade and has been spinning out of control ever since.
I am naturally a perfectionist. I set very high goals and have worked very hard to achieve them. I am extremely independent and controlling, not necessarily of other people but of my own affairs. I am insanely prideful and love to be the best. I want my life to have purpose and look back and be absolutely satisfied that I used every moment I humanly could have. So I spent all this time trying to get myself together and fix things but I kept falling down again and again and AGAIN and AGAIN.
Something very scary happens when a perfectionist fails. They get so upset that they failed that they try again and push everyone who wants to help out of the way. They try again and have no support and fail again. Now they have even more stuff to deal with and fix. The more they try the more they fail. The HARDER they fall, the MADDER they get. The HARDER they try, the more prideful they become. The more prideful they become, the harder they fall yet again. But they are so determined to fix all of the messes on their own that they keep going in this vicious, ugly cycle.
So I guess right now I'm confessing something to you: I've been spending 3 years throwing myself deeper and deeper into this cycle....but keep in mind almost NO ONE had a clue. I had legitimate bouts of depression because basically: when you have a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, and you want to do it really really well but you have in the back of your mind all the times you failed, all you're gonna do is fail even more. That made me start to attack who I am and a whole bunch of amazing people in my life.
I spent a lot of time just saying I'm fine. I was still experiencing the ups and downs of the Christian experience, but there was always something going on underneath...something deeper than most people could see in my life. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't a monster that everyone was afraid of for 3 years. IN FACT, I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I'M REALLY RELUCTANT TO ADMIT: There are a BUNCH of people in my life who kept telling me how perfect I was! And I was sitting back thinking about who I am and kinda cringing inside.
So I was kind of like Hannah Montana: There was a girl that everyone saw that seemed to have everything quite together, and who loved to write, who gave advice to people ALL the time, who was at church all time and getting closer and closer to friends, and who was constantly striving to have a better relationship with God. But lurking in the shadows was the other Kayla: Constantly upset with who I am physically, spiritually, and relationally, falling through the cracks, getting depressed from time to time, really ticked with myself at the choices I made and secretly quite upset that no one noticed.
Something that was really confusing is that every so often we would go on a retreat...and I would genuinely be moved...I would feel God say something to me and I would actually act upon this conviction. I was really really happy for a while and I was determined not to let that status change. But just like they always warned us, I would go home and things WOULD go back to normal. This made my perfectionist self even MORE frustrated, because *I* wanted to keep changing my life. (Do you know yet where my story is going?)
2009 saw everything get worse and worse. I got more and more bitter because of situations that came up in my life. I got further and further behind on school. I completely STOPPED trying with Bible Bowl this season because way back in 8th grade I lost that drive because of over-working. Then when I wouldn't do well each month, I was yet MORE upset at my imperfections. I had the worst little bout of depression in October of 2009...I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore...I was really really lonely....I attacked myself mentally all the time and it was exhausting. My thoughts took me to very dark places....yada yada yada. I look back at that period and grit my teeth. All I can really say without boring you to death is that I was warped and lonely and disillusioned and it took some beautiful caring people in my life to help yank me out of that. But my problem was still not solved....
FINALLY just now in the beginning of 2010 something finally changed. I decided it was time to post something here on my blog about my regrets and my failures and imperfections. So I got on and wrote for hours and hours about basically everything I've just told you, but actually believe it or not in greater detail. As I was sitting here writing I had a bunch of thoughts going through my head. Some of them were, "Why are you posting this? No one wants to read about all the times you've screwed up. Then again, you HAVE to post it and suck up your failures. Part of getting over your perfectionism is making yourself vulnerable. But if you post this, everyone will see all your flaws and look at you different and will no longer think that you're the perfect girl they want to be like."
I just kept writing and kept writing....but I was getting more and more nauseous. It was all really starting to bother me and I didn't know whether I should post it or not. So I saved it as a draft and went to bed. I had been in a habit of praying before I fell asleep every night but that night I deliberately chose not to talk to God. I was soooooooo mad at myself and so sick of the way my life had been for so long that I just shut everything out. I really hate to admit it, but I was so low in that moment that I went beyond questioning God and actually yelled at Him. My disillusioned mind was making everything I thought warped and sinful. I have NEVER been so low. I've been depressed before and felt really helpless and hopeless but my mind was constantly on my need for God to help my out of that pit. But in that moment that night, I blocked God's love out of my mind and all the amazing experiences I'd had and my faith and redemption and all these beautiful things. My religion was so focused around myself.....and I had absolutely no clue.....so when I failed and destroyed perfection I blamed it on God. Even though I was claiming over and over again that I was surrendering to Him, I don't know if I truly was. All I could think about was my failures.
So I went to sleep numb and yet very raw. I was a mess, and not in the cutesy-Southern way. I woke up on Sunday morning even worse. FURIOUS at myself and God and my family and everything, I laid there churning over more and more things. I blamed God for me never being able to get things right. So in essence, I blamed God for not making it possible for *me* to redeem myself.
All of the sudden, I FINALLY reached my breaking point. I broke down FINALLY and sobbed and cried and wondered why. Then in my mind I said, "I absolutely CAN. NOT. DO THIS ANYMORE." All at once 3 years of hard work, pain, failure, complacency, pride, and facade were made completely obvious to me. I have never felt so disgusting. It was nauseating, once again. I sat there and held my breath and wondered what I was supposed to do and kind of in a daze. Finally I was like, "oh, ummm.....I think I should pray..." (as you can see, I was at a loss for just about everything).
That prayer is between me and God, but I got cleansed. It was like living Amazing Grace. As I prayed and talked to God we made everything right that had been wrong for 3 years and I was so calm and so confident that something right was finally going on. God clearly welcomed me back home...I actually am 100% convinced that He did some things just for me. As I was praying I had my Zune playing in the background, just on shuffle. I kid you not, RIGHT as I started confessing a bunch of stuff to God and pleading for forgiveness, the song "Come Home Running" by Chris Tomlin came on and I bawled. Here's the lyrics to that song:
O Heart of Mine, why must you stray?
From One so fair, you've run away
And one more time you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
O Heart of Mine, come back home
you've been too long out on your own
and He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road
So come home running, His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus and He understands
He is the answer, that you are looking for
So come home running, just as you are
O Child of God So Dearly Loved
And ransomed by the Savior's Love
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness
Umm ok, so I think needless to say I was bawling. I spent a while longer praying and thanking God for forgiving me and pretty soon after that went to church. Let's just say before the pastor even got up to speak my heart was POUNDING. They played a video before the sermon that was absolutely perfect for me. Then he got up and every moment of his sermon my heart was pounding. I didn't know exactly what I should do but I was trying to sit still and wait for God. His sermon was about burdens that we HAVE to surrender to God. He taught about David and Bathsheeba and how it was during that situation that David was called a man after God's own hear because of his broken spirit. The sermon ended, the invitation started, and suddenly I was standing there on my tip-toes whispering in Bill's ear. The lights blinded my eyes and I could feel every eye in the room staring at us....and I rededicated my life to God. I came home.
OK, I REALLY need to stop now....but I HAD to get what's been going on out there in the open. Stay tuned for a post on what's happened since then, because God has not slowed down to this moment in redeeming me.
It's a very, VERY scary thing when a person tries to be their own God.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Cinderella
Cinderella. When I hear love story I automatically think fairy tales. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast...PRINCESS AND THE FROG SAY WHAT? Okay, so that's a little different. I think CLASSIC fairy tales. There is a beautiful princess who is loved and adored by most people-BUT-she has an enemy. There is someone...or something...against her always. The evil step-mother or the Queen or the Beast; (in the beginning anyway) there must be someone against this princess. In every story we sit there-whether we like to admit or not-and hold our breath. We want to see the princess emerge victorious. Girls put themselves in the princess' glass slipper and imagine that it's THEM in the prince's arms at happily ever after. We are all mysteriously attracted to stories...but why?
I can tell you WHAT MAKES US attracted to stories based on my own personal inference. But WHY we're so drawn to them is beyond my logical reasoning. What I can say for sure is that God-the same God from the beginning who is drawing me to Himself-gave it to us. He Himself is a story, He created us as PART of His Story, and He loves to make Himself our personal story. We have a creative, mysterious, breath-taking, affectionate, majestic, beautiful God. He has no need for us and yet He created us. He could've created us to serve Him and yet He gave us free will. He could've made us mindless and empty and robotic and yet He gave us souls; He gave us passion and longing and the innate desire to hear stories and be a part of them. Do you see the creative glory of our God? Do you see that He didn't HAVE to make us with desires and dreams but did it out of sheer jealous affection? You see, God is a jealous God. He wants us to see Him everywhere. He gave us this window, this looking glass, called a soul so that we may turn around one day and reflect His Glory further. He shows Himself to us via stories.
Now we go back to my introduction: Creator God breathes life into me and I am surrounded by perfection. I am the result of His loving and ingenious work. He has great plans for me; He wants me to dwell with Him forever in perfection. But I have my own ideas...and Satan has his own ideas. Like I said, God GAVE us a free will....and NOT accidentally. He wanted us to have a choice all along. (And in fact, that is what makes it a STORY in the end. Otherwise it's just a bunch of facts) So aided by the enemy of God I chose to turn my back on my Creator and choose to go against Him. The music turns sharply to a minor key; the face of the the Creator darkens sorrowfully and the creation loses some of its radiance. The audience holds their breath and begins to lose hope. We trudge woefully through life and feel the taste of death prematurely. Tragedies occur in our lives that leave us broken and in pieces on our knees and we cry out to the Creator. We haven't forgotten Him, in fact we think of Him constantly because we let Him down and broke His Heart and want to go back to the way things were. We begin to lose hope. The step-mother prevails; darkness surrounds; we are in a love-coma, under a curse; we begin to think HE has forgotten us.
Then all of the sudden things turn again. The climax is approaching and you can feel it in the air. Things are changing and fast. Everyone hold their breath and waits to see what has happened. The Creator appears and smiles knowingly at you. You watch Him in a daze as He teaches you and loves on you...and then before you know it YOU YOURSELF-THE ONE THAT WAS CREATED BY HIS PERFECT LOVE-are driving nails into HIS WRISTS. You see, your disease has progressed so far that you are delirious and can't even make out that it's Him anymore. You watch His face twist in agony and feel momentary relief. There is no one asking you to change anymore; you feel the relief of a stone-hard heart. Under some strange compulsion of sin you watch as He dies up on that tree in front of you. The audience burns with anger because they KNOW that this is wrong. YOU made a mistake. You crucified the King of Glory. You had a chance to be saved by God and instead you killed Him in a fit of disillusioned rage. The audience groans. This is the part of Finding Nemo where Marlin and Dory get to P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney and find Nemo "dead". It seems as if the whole thing was quite pointless.
You go on a little bit from there...kind of breathless in the shock of what you've just done. Suddenly your mind clears and really lose it. The weight of your compulsion strikes you and your agony is unbearable. You realize that you killed God....you killed the beautiful affectionate mysterious loving Creator that you walked with in the garden. The One that you disappointed so much by going against. The One who came to live among mankind again and teach you. You just murdered Him. The grief is so overwhelming that you can't even move. You weep and weep and weep...everything that ever had meaning to you is gone. You destroyed it because of your selfishness. There is NOTHING that you can do at this point to change anything. You've gone quite far enough...and you feel the sting of conviction. Your heart breaks for your sin and you want nothing more than to die. For 3 brutally long days you lie there in a heap and mourn....everything you've ever done against Him from that first moment to this last one returns to your mind and you think of all the pain you've caused Him. The audience is sitting there waiting for this horror to end. It drags on for what seems forever...the pain of mistakes and the fallout of man. It looks like the story is over.
On the third day you are lying there completely numb. Your face is stained with tears and you want nothing more than to see the Creator again. Everything feels quite sharp and blaring...every time you look up at the tree where it happened you wretch. The music swells as you prepare to kill yourself-there is nothing more to live for. The mood is tense and sad and you raise your hand up to finish it off. The very moment before you kill yourself the earth shakes and trembles and booms and you are thrown violently. The planet growls with a glorious thunder and then stops abruptly. Everything turns from the gray it HAS BEEN since your disobedience to warm, glowing light.
You look down at yourself and see that your tattered rags have turned to a flowing white gown. You are so confused and wonder just what is going on-and you turn-and your heart skips a beat-and the music takes one final lift-and you see the Creator standing there before you with holes in His wrists and side. He no longer has agony on His face but relief-and perfect joy- because you are His again. You belong to Him and things are PERFECT as they were before. You fall down at His feet and cry tears of an overwhelmed soul. God explains to you that He is no longer just your Creator----now He is your Savior too. Since that day in paradise when everything went awry He had been waiting to reconcile you to Himself and when the time finally came He came to you knowing perfectly well what would happen. He knew that you would kill Him but He came anyway. His love has no limits-it doesn't even stop at death. He explains to you that when you killed Him it was in order to bring you life. Through the shedding of innocent blood is there life. You have undeservedly been created, and after you tainted the relationship you have undeservedly received grace. He tells you there is nothing you can do to take His love from you. Death has been defeated. You are sanctified and forgiven and held. Everything that had been haunting you since your fall has been destroyed and there is no more fear, no more death, no more pain.
Happily ever after.
You see, the reason WHY we love stories so much...why little girls idolize princesses...why preachers tell stories to get their point across...why Jesus spoke in parables...why we watch movies...why we write poetry and stay up late writing a blog post...is because WE are part of this story. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. When we hear a story it reminds us of our own story that God started and ended was in every single moment of. God was even in the moment of horror when we wanted to die and were stricken with grief.
The Bible is that story....one big collective story of God's people and their fall, depravity and redemption. It's my favorite story. It's my story. I am Saul turned Paul. I am Peter walking on water. I am Daniel being thrown into the lion's den. I am Gideon. These are miniature stories-all combined to form one complete story-about each and every one of us. All of the things actually took place, but they are all pictures of each and every one of our lives.
Why do little girls make themselves look pretty and sit and anxiously await the arrival of their prince? Because written on their hearts is the story of the Creator who really came to rescue His princess. He has wired us with an instinctive knowledge of stories because He wants us to see what He has actually done.
And I will leave you with a book recommendation haha: If you want a book that tells our entire story in a clear captivating way, get "Story" by Steven James. It's one my favorite books in the entire world. So yeah.
and FINALLY sorry it took me so stinkin long to get another post up here. I'm gonna try to post more frequently. Thanks for reading =]
I can tell you WHAT MAKES US attracted to stories based on my own personal inference. But WHY we're so drawn to them is beyond my logical reasoning. What I can say for sure is that God-the same God from the beginning who is drawing me to Himself-gave it to us. He Himself is a story, He created us as PART of His Story, and He loves to make Himself our personal story. We have a creative, mysterious, breath-taking, affectionate, majestic, beautiful God. He has no need for us and yet He created us. He could've created us to serve Him and yet He gave us free will. He could've made us mindless and empty and robotic and yet He gave us souls; He gave us passion and longing and the innate desire to hear stories and be a part of them. Do you see the creative glory of our God? Do you see that He didn't HAVE to make us with desires and dreams but did it out of sheer jealous affection? You see, God is a jealous God. He wants us to see Him everywhere. He gave us this window, this looking glass, called a soul so that we may turn around one day and reflect His Glory further. He shows Himself to us via stories.
Now we go back to my introduction: Creator God breathes life into me and I am surrounded by perfection. I am the result of His loving and ingenious work. He has great plans for me; He wants me to dwell with Him forever in perfection. But I have my own ideas...and Satan has his own ideas. Like I said, God GAVE us a free will....and NOT accidentally. He wanted us to have a choice all along. (And in fact, that is what makes it a STORY in the end. Otherwise it's just a bunch of facts) So aided by the enemy of God I chose to turn my back on my Creator and choose to go against Him. The music turns sharply to a minor key; the face of the the Creator darkens sorrowfully and the creation loses some of its radiance. The audience holds their breath and begins to lose hope. We trudge woefully through life and feel the taste of death prematurely. Tragedies occur in our lives that leave us broken and in pieces on our knees and we cry out to the Creator. We haven't forgotten Him, in fact we think of Him constantly because we let Him down and broke His Heart and want to go back to the way things were. We begin to lose hope. The step-mother prevails; darkness surrounds; we are in a love-coma, under a curse; we begin to think HE has forgotten us.
Then all of the sudden things turn again. The climax is approaching and you can feel it in the air. Things are changing and fast. Everyone hold their breath and waits to see what has happened. The Creator appears and smiles knowingly at you. You watch Him in a daze as He teaches you and loves on you...and then before you know it YOU YOURSELF-THE ONE THAT WAS CREATED BY HIS PERFECT LOVE-are driving nails into HIS WRISTS. You see, your disease has progressed so far that you are delirious and can't even make out that it's Him anymore. You watch His face twist in agony and feel momentary relief. There is no one asking you to change anymore; you feel the relief of a stone-hard heart. Under some strange compulsion of sin you watch as He dies up on that tree in front of you. The audience burns with anger because they KNOW that this is wrong. YOU made a mistake. You crucified the King of Glory. You had a chance to be saved by God and instead you killed Him in a fit of disillusioned rage. The audience groans. This is the part of Finding Nemo where Marlin and Dory get to P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney and find Nemo "dead". It seems as if the whole thing was quite pointless.
You go on a little bit from there...kind of breathless in the shock of what you've just done. Suddenly your mind clears and really lose it. The weight of your compulsion strikes you and your agony is unbearable. You realize that you killed God....you killed the beautiful affectionate mysterious loving Creator that you walked with in the garden. The One that you disappointed so much by going against. The One who came to live among mankind again and teach you. You just murdered Him. The grief is so overwhelming that you can't even move. You weep and weep and weep...everything that ever had meaning to you is gone. You destroyed it because of your selfishness. There is NOTHING that you can do at this point to change anything. You've gone quite far enough...and you feel the sting of conviction. Your heart breaks for your sin and you want nothing more than to die. For 3 brutally long days you lie there in a heap and mourn....everything you've ever done against Him from that first moment to this last one returns to your mind and you think of all the pain you've caused Him. The audience is sitting there waiting for this horror to end. It drags on for what seems forever...the pain of mistakes and the fallout of man. It looks like the story is over.
On the third day you are lying there completely numb. Your face is stained with tears and you want nothing more than to see the Creator again. Everything feels quite sharp and blaring...every time you look up at the tree where it happened you wretch. The music swells as you prepare to kill yourself-there is nothing more to live for. The mood is tense and sad and you raise your hand up to finish it off. The very moment before you kill yourself the earth shakes and trembles and booms and you are thrown violently. The planet growls with a glorious thunder and then stops abruptly. Everything turns from the gray it HAS BEEN since your disobedience to warm, glowing light.
You look down at yourself and see that your tattered rags have turned to a flowing white gown. You are so confused and wonder just what is going on-and you turn-and your heart skips a beat-and the music takes one final lift-and you see the Creator standing there before you with holes in His wrists and side. He no longer has agony on His face but relief-and perfect joy- because you are His again. You belong to Him and things are PERFECT as they were before. You fall down at His feet and cry tears of an overwhelmed soul. God explains to you that He is no longer just your Creator----now He is your Savior too. Since that day in paradise when everything went awry He had been waiting to reconcile you to Himself and when the time finally came He came to you knowing perfectly well what would happen. He knew that you would kill Him but He came anyway. His love has no limits-it doesn't even stop at death. He explains to you that when you killed Him it was in order to bring you life. Through the shedding of innocent blood is there life. You have undeservedly been created, and after you tainted the relationship you have undeservedly received grace. He tells you there is nothing you can do to take His love from you. Death has been defeated. You are sanctified and forgiven and held. Everything that had been haunting you since your fall has been destroyed and there is no more fear, no more death, no more pain.
Happily ever after.
You see, the reason WHY we love stories so much...why little girls idolize princesses...why preachers tell stories to get their point across...why Jesus spoke in parables...why we watch movies...why we write poetry and stay up late writing a blog post...is because WE are part of this story. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. When we hear a story it reminds us of our own story that God started and ended was in every single moment of. God was even in the moment of horror when we wanted to die and were stricken with grief.
The Bible is that story....one big collective story of God's people and their fall, depravity and redemption. It's my favorite story. It's my story. I am Saul turned Paul. I am Peter walking on water. I am Daniel being thrown into the lion's den. I am Gideon. These are miniature stories-all combined to form one complete story-about each and every one of us. All of the things actually took place, but they are all pictures of each and every one of our lives.
Why do little girls make themselves look pretty and sit and anxiously await the arrival of their prince? Because written on their hearts is the story of the Creator who really came to rescue His princess. He has wired us with an instinctive knowledge of stories because He wants us to see what He has actually done.
And I will leave you with a book recommendation haha: If you want a book that tells our entire story in a clear captivating way, get "Story" by Steven James. It's one my favorite books in the entire world. So yeah.
and FINALLY sorry it took me so stinkin long to get another post up here. I'm gonna try to post more frequently. Thanks for reading =]
Friday, November 27, 2009
Me
So my first post was all about my journey-how God has literally stepped into my world and how that affects every part of my life-but mainly that last post was my spiritual life. But in order to effectively blog about what's going on in my life, I feel like I should give some background on who I am.
So, without any further ado, my name is Kayla Rae Christie...I'm 15 years old and I live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I'm homeschooled and a sophomore in highschool. My parents are a HUGE example to me of love in my life; they've been married for 19 stinkin years. They both love God more than anything else and desire for my brothers and me to do the same, but they don't force it down our throats.
I was born in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where I lived for about 6 years. Over the next 4 years I lived in 2 more states and at least 4 more houses until we finally moved to NC. I love it here; I have an amazinggggg church family and friends who love me and care enough to tell me the truth no matter how hard it is. I call North Carolina home because it certainly has been for the last almost 6 years.
I've always been fairly introverted...my parents actually thought I was autistic when I was a toddler because they would call my name and I wouldn't even flinch but just keep staring! =]To this day when I get on a roll thinking, not a whole lot can stop it. It's a blessing and a curse. I also learned how to read when I was 5 years old, I believe, and haven't really stopped. I love a good book. I was reading the Little House on the Prairie series in Kindergarten. And finally, I have journals that I filled up when I was 6 years old. As long as I can remember I've had a journal and actively written in it. It's my escape to write...some people find it through music and some through sports...but I find it in writing. I sit down to write in my journal and start writing, and before I know it, it's 2am and I've been writing for HOURS without even looking up. It just flows out...no real thought process...I think my pen just likes to take over when I let it.
I've been ENORMOUSLY blessed with the people God has placed in my life. I've been majorly influenced by the love of my parents. I have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas who all love me, I have one older brother and one younger, both of whom are among my best friends. I feel a tremendous amount of love from all of my family, really. And in 6th grade I met a whole myriad of people that have changed my life forever. First off, Shawn and Jen Maurer....holy moley...I love these two. Shawn was my middle-school minister at church and still remains a trusted source and someone I truly look up to-In more ways than one. ;) Jen became one of my small group leaders in 6th grade and long after I graduate, I imagine she's gonna be one of those people I call up and share everything with. Both of them have invested a LOT in teaching me what God really says and shaping me into a woman that honors God.
Along with them are Mike and Jill Bennett, and Sherri Andrews. Jill and Sherri are my other two small group leaders and both have been there for me whenever I need them. They are my secondary moms =]. Mike is currently my music teacher, teaching me piano, but before that he was a youth leader that I really respected and loved. I still remember lessons that he taught us at camp in 6th or 7th grade about David.
Another major influence is Patrick Willis. =] He was a junior in highschool when I met him on the Bible Bowl team at the church; always known as the goofball-mascot kind of guy. I don't have time to tell the whole story, but basically Patrick became an older brother to me and a couple of my friends. He's been there to give us advice and make us laugh when we're upset and most of all he's been an example to us of what a godly man is supposed to look like. He has treated everyone he's ever known with the utmost respect in humility that I haven't seen paralleled by any other person in my life.
Also, the interns we've had at Pinedale have all influenced me. In 6th grade, the current Julie Kaye Haltom was our intern for just a few short months, but boy did she do a lot while she was here. She was one of the first people who taught me about my identity as a woman and I will be forever grateful for everything she did for me. Just this past year Anne Marie Durham (WHO IS BECOMING ANNE MARIE WILSON TODAYYYY BY THE WAY!!!!!) was our girl's intern-from June 2008-June 2009-and I can't imagine what my life would've been like without her. She was there every time I needed her and is my role-model...I find myself talking like her and acting like her...but she's someone I definitely WANT to be like. And currently our girl's intern is Katie Rath...I LOVE HER so much. I've known her since I was in 6th grade, I think, but just this summer she became our intern. She is so amazing...she's strong and focused and sososo loving; I actually have a confession to make: One of my favorite things in the WHOLE WORLD is when she grabs me and hugs me and kisses the top of my head. Katie is one of those people with a dynamic personality that just oozes love...and recently she's been able to give me some great advice on how to deal with some stuff.
AND (I know what you're thinking...sheesh....this girl has a LOT of influences in her life...but I'm extremely thankful for it =]) Michelle Sailer...I think I've known her the longest of any lasting relationship I've had in North Carolina...I met her when I was in 4TH GRADE and then she was just the daughter of one of my mom's new friends. But Michelle has invested herself into making me feel loved and like I have a voice. We've found over the last couple years that we're very much alike; we've gone through a lot of the same stuff and handle it in very similar ways. Because of it she has REALLY impacted me and been able to give great advice.
Well, let's see.....what else do you need to know about me? ; ) haha. I think the single most important thing is that I have a personal relationship with the God who made the Universe. I eluded to it in my first post, but life would not exist PERIOD without Him. I can't do anything without Him and I can do ANYTHING with Him. I'm at a loss for words...(which probably shocks you) but my relationship with Him is #1. Like I described in my Introduction, my relationship with Him DOES have it's ups and downs...but that's part of the journey. Right now my life consists solely of stretching and growing and taking every aspect of my life further than I believed I could. I desire to push myself to the limit with everything...and it's NOT easy. I know a lot of people who are very motivated and driven and have amazing focus but that's something I'm just beginning to work on. In the Bible Paul talked a lot about keeping your eyes on the prize and running with the intention of winning it...and at this stage in my life I'm definitely taking those words seriously. Something HUGE that I believe in is young people-kids-teenagers-and twenty-somethings impacting the culture. We can't sit around and wait for some gray hairs to show up before we change our world. We have no idea how long we have on this earth and so wasting our time is simply no longer and option.
Jesus has called each and every person-no matter where they are, or what they have, or how old they are-to LOVE deeply and sacrificially as He did. That is our purpose of being here....that is our mission. The little slogan of my youth group is simply "Love God, Love Others". That's what we're trying to do. That's what we EXIST to do. That's what God is TEACHING me how to do.
So, after all of that...I'm excited to share how each of these factors is involved in my journey...my LOVE story...that I exist as just a small part of. I pray that my labor and fumbling for words will have a purpose and that they will effect someone, somewhere, somehow. I pray I'm just a tool...and that somehow people will be drawn to living differently through the words He gives me. And I hope that you will be able to see some of yourself in what I'm saying and that we can grow together. =]
Much love,
Kayla
So, without any further ado, my name is Kayla Rae Christie...I'm 15 years old and I live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I'm homeschooled and a sophomore in highschool. My parents are a HUGE example to me of love in my life; they've been married for 19 stinkin years. They both love God more than anything else and desire for my brothers and me to do the same, but they don't force it down our throats.
I was born in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where I lived for about 6 years. Over the next 4 years I lived in 2 more states and at least 4 more houses until we finally moved to NC. I love it here; I have an amazinggggg church family and friends who love me and care enough to tell me the truth no matter how hard it is. I call North Carolina home because it certainly has been for the last almost 6 years.
I've always been fairly introverted...my parents actually thought I was autistic when I was a toddler because they would call my name and I wouldn't even flinch but just keep staring! =]To this day when I get on a roll thinking, not a whole lot can stop it. It's a blessing and a curse. I also learned how to read when I was 5 years old, I believe, and haven't really stopped. I love a good book. I was reading the Little House on the Prairie series in Kindergarten. And finally, I have journals that I filled up when I was 6 years old. As long as I can remember I've had a journal and actively written in it. It's my escape to write...some people find it through music and some through sports...but I find it in writing. I sit down to write in my journal and start writing, and before I know it, it's 2am and I've been writing for HOURS without even looking up. It just flows out...no real thought process...I think my pen just likes to take over when I let it.
I've been ENORMOUSLY blessed with the people God has placed in my life. I've been majorly influenced by the love of my parents. I have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas who all love me, I have one older brother and one younger, both of whom are among my best friends. I feel a tremendous amount of love from all of my family, really. And in 6th grade I met a whole myriad of people that have changed my life forever. First off, Shawn and Jen Maurer....holy moley...I love these two. Shawn was my middle-school minister at church and still remains a trusted source and someone I truly look up to-In more ways than one. ;) Jen became one of my small group leaders in 6th grade and long after I graduate, I imagine she's gonna be one of those people I call up and share everything with. Both of them have invested a LOT in teaching me what God really says and shaping me into a woman that honors God.
Along with them are Mike and Jill Bennett, and Sherri Andrews. Jill and Sherri are my other two small group leaders and both have been there for me whenever I need them. They are my secondary moms =]. Mike is currently my music teacher, teaching me piano, but before that he was a youth leader that I really respected and loved. I still remember lessons that he taught us at camp in 6th or 7th grade about David.
Another major influence is Patrick Willis. =] He was a junior in highschool when I met him on the Bible Bowl team at the church; always known as the goofball-mascot kind of guy. I don't have time to tell the whole story, but basically Patrick became an older brother to me and a couple of my friends. He's been there to give us advice and make us laugh when we're upset and most of all he's been an example to us of what a godly man is supposed to look like. He has treated everyone he's ever known with the utmost respect in humility that I haven't seen paralleled by any other person in my life.
Also, the interns we've had at Pinedale have all influenced me. In 6th grade, the current Julie Kaye Haltom was our intern for just a few short months, but boy did she do a lot while she was here. She was one of the first people who taught me about my identity as a woman and I will be forever grateful for everything she did for me. Just this past year Anne Marie Durham (WHO IS BECOMING ANNE MARIE WILSON TODAYYYY BY THE WAY!!!!!) was our girl's intern-from June 2008-June 2009-and I can't imagine what my life would've been like without her. She was there every time I needed her and is my role-model...I find myself talking like her and acting like her...but she's someone I definitely WANT to be like. And currently our girl's intern is Katie Rath...I LOVE HER so much. I've known her since I was in 6th grade, I think, but just this summer she became our intern. She is so amazing...she's strong and focused and sososo loving; I actually have a confession to make: One of my favorite things in the WHOLE WORLD is when she grabs me and hugs me and kisses the top of my head. Katie is one of those people with a dynamic personality that just oozes love...and recently she's been able to give me some great advice on how to deal with some stuff.
AND (I know what you're thinking...sheesh....this girl has a LOT of influences in her life...but I'm extremely thankful for it =]) Michelle Sailer...I think I've known her the longest of any lasting relationship I've had in North Carolina...I met her when I was in 4TH GRADE and then she was just the daughter of one of my mom's new friends. But Michelle has invested herself into making me feel loved and like I have a voice. We've found over the last couple years that we're very much alike; we've gone through a lot of the same stuff and handle it in very similar ways. Because of it she has REALLY impacted me and been able to give great advice.
Well, let's see.....what else do you need to know about me? ; ) haha. I think the single most important thing is that I have a personal relationship with the God who made the Universe. I eluded to it in my first post, but life would not exist PERIOD without Him. I can't do anything without Him and I can do ANYTHING with Him. I'm at a loss for words...(which probably shocks you) but my relationship with Him is #1. Like I described in my Introduction, my relationship with Him DOES have it's ups and downs...but that's part of the journey. Right now my life consists solely of stretching and growing and taking every aspect of my life further than I believed I could. I desire to push myself to the limit with everything...and it's NOT easy. I know a lot of people who are very motivated and driven and have amazing focus but that's something I'm just beginning to work on. In the Bible Paul talked a lot about keeping your eyes on the prize and running with the intention of winning it...and at this stage in my life I'm definitely taking those words seriously. Something HUGE that I believe in is young people-kids-teenagers-and twenty-somethings impacting the culture. We can't sit around and wait for some gray hairs to show up before we change our world. We have no idea how long we have on this earth and so wasting our time is simply no longer and option.
Jesus has called each and every person-no matter where they are, or what they have, or how old they are-to LOVE deeply and sacrificially as He did. That is our purpose of being here....that is our mission. The little slogan of my youth group is simply "Love God, Love Others". That's what we're trying to do. That's what we EXIST to do. That's what God is TEACHING me how to do.
So, after all of that...I'm excited to share how each of these factors is involved in my journey...my LOVE story...that I exist as just a small part of. I pray that my labor and fumbling for words will have a purpose and that they will effect someone, somewhere, somehow. I pray I'm just a tool...and that somehow people will be drawn to living differently through the words He gives me. And I hope that you will be able to see some of yourself in what I'm saying and that we can grow together. =]
Much love,
Kayla
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Introduction of My Story
Dear World,
Hi, my name is awkward 15 year old girl. Let me tell you a little about myself. Well first, I exist as a tiny speck in a tiny town in a small state in a big country of a tiny planet, which is in a tiny galaxy among millions of them. All of these encompass my universe, which in turn exists as another tiny speck in the hand of my God. Needless to say He is HUGE.
But you know what? He loves me. He tells me that everyday via sunsets over the horizon and a virtuoso's melodies, through soft spring nights and a mother with her babe. The only problem is-in a sense-I am blind. Yes, I can see the sunsets and the life-blood of love, but I only actually soak them in sometimes. I have taken a perfect relationship with the All-Powerful God I mentioned and, kicking and screaming, pulled away.
Now of course I want nothing but to go back to how it was before-but He told me that isn't possible yet. With tears in His eyes He became even smaller than I am now in order to right my wrong by paying for it. In bitter grief I turned my head as this beautiful God-man bled for me. Now I am waiting for Him to come back to me and destroy death-the last enemy. I have done everything to be undeserving and everything to spite His love, but it flows freely anyway. That is why in those gifts of sunsets and melodies and spring and nurture I feel enclosed A Love Song that brings tears to my eyes- a song I've never deserved but hear bits of that sustain me 'til the day when I can be with Him forever. I intentionally blinded myself and pulled away but it doesn't have to be like that anymore. He has healed me.
So now, I am this tiny speck worth galaxies to the One whose opinion really matters. It gets awfully hard to remember what His face looks like sometimes when all I can see is the darkness. It goes without saying that so often I just forget about Him. What nerve I have...that I should forget Him. I don't even need to explain how ridiculous that is.
Between encounters with Him I slip so far down and have nightmares about who I am and what I've done to Him. It pains me so much...and I become so hopeless sometimes. But the love story part of this is His investment in a bride who has done everything wrong and He loves her in spite of it. That is love. I chase Him and pursue Him and find Him hidden in His people and His miracles and His universe. Desperately I stumble after Him because instinctively I can comprehend that I need Him; even when I've brainwashed myself and become this prodigal I understand that I need Him and can't do it alone.
That moment is brutal and comforting, stern and affectionate. I step down off my pedestal and give Him back the wheel and let Him drive, because He knows best. I face two major extremes in my journey, to summarize: one is a feeling of extreme unworthiness and self-hate, and the other a bloated pride and self-savior mentality. One I desperately desire help, the other I believe I can be strong for everyone else. But I am under the loving care of the One who knows best and has righted my wrongs in perfect humility.
Hi, my name is awkward 15 year old girl. Let me tell you a little about myself. Well first, I exist as a tiny speck in a tiny town in a small state in a big country of a tiny planet, which is in a tiny galaxy among millions of them. All of these encompass my universe, which in turn exists as another tiny speck in the hand of my God. Needless to say He is HUGE.
But you know what? He loves me. He tells me that everyday via sunsets over the horizon and a virtuoso's melodies, through soft spring nights and a mother with her babe. The only problem is-in a sense-I am blind. Yes, I can see the sunsets and the life-blood of love, but I only actually soak them in sometimes. I have taken a perfect relationship with the All-Powerful God I mentioned and, kicking and screaming, pulled away.
Now of course I want nothing but to go back to how it was before-but He told me that isn't possible yet. With tears in His eyes He became even smaller than I am now in order to right my wrong by paying for it. In bitter grief I turned my head as this beautiful God-man bled for me. Now I am waiting for Him to come back to me and destroy death-the last enemy. I have done everything to be undeserving and everything to spite His love, but it flows freely anyway. That is why in those gifts of sunsets and melodies and spring and nurture I feel enclosed A Love Song that brings tears to my eyes- a song I've never deserved but hear bits of that sustain me 'til the day when I can be with Him forever. I intentionally blinded myself and pulled away but it doesn't have to be like that anymore. He has healed me.
So now, I am this tiny speck worth galaxies to the One whose opinion really matters. It gets awfully hard to remember what His face looks like sometimes when all I can see is the darkness. It goes without saying that so often I just forget about Him. What nerve I have...that I should forget Him. I don't even need to explain how ridiculous that is.
Between encounters with Him I slip so far down and have nightmares about who I am and what I've done to Him. It pains me so much...and I become so hopeless sometimes. But the love story part of this is His investment in a bride who has done everything wrong and He loves her in spite of it. That is love. I chase Him and pursue Him and find Him hidden in His people and His miracles and His universe. Desperately I stumble after Him because instinctively I can comprehend that I need Him; even when I've brainwashed myself and become this prodigal I understand that I need Him and can't do it alone.
In contrast, sometimes after and encounter with my God things keep going great. The nightmares cease and the pits level out. Evenutally my perception
of myself has swelled so much that I become haughty, and, forgetting my need for my Savior, attempt to be MY OWN. When you start thinking you can be god and quickly discover you can't, you fall pretty hard. My vision is hazed as I try to pick myself up and try to display that I can handle life by myself. Slowly I build myself up again, and one day I come crashing down again. In the midst of this God watches me and laugh-cries, because I am so foolish and so small and like a tottering infant I try to act like an adult. But He steps in anyway and reminds me whose I am. That moment is brutal and comforting, stern and affectionate. I step down off my pedestal and give Him back the wheel and let Him drive, because He knows best. I face two major extremes in my journey, to summarize: one is a feeling of extreme unworthiness and self-hate, and the other a bloated pride and self-savior mentality. One I desperately desire help, the other I believe I can be strong for everyone else. But I am under the loving care of the One who knows best and has righted my wrongs in perfect humility.
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