Introduction of My Story

Dear World,

Hi, my name is awkward 15 year old girl. Let me tell you a little about myself. Well first, I exist as a tiny speck in a tiny town in a small state in a big country of a tiny planet, which is in a tiny galaxy among millions of them. All of these encompass my universe, which in turn exists as another tiny speck in the hand of my God. Needless to say He is HUGE.

But you know what? He loves me. He tells me that everyday via sunsets over the horizon and a virtuoso's melodies, through soft spring nights and a mother with her babe. The only problem is-in a sense-I am blind. Yes, I can see the sunsets and the life-blood of love, but I only actually soak them in sometimes. I have taken a perfect relationship with the All-Powerful God I mentioned and, kicking and screaming, pulled away.

Now of course I want nothing but to go back to how it was before-but He told me that isn't possible yet. With tears in His eyes He became even smaller than I am now in order to right my wrong by paying for it. In bitter grief I turned my head as this beautiful God-man bled for me. Now I am waiting for Him to come back to me and destroy death-the last enemy. I have done everything to be undeserving and everything to spite His love, but it flows freely anyway. That is why in those gifts of sunsets and melodies and spring and nurture I feel enclosed A Love Song that brings tears to my eyes- a song I've never deserved but hear bits of that sustain me 'til the day when I can be with Him forever. I intentionally blinded myself and pulled away but it doesn't have to be like that anymore. He has healed me.

So now, I am this tiny speck worth galaxies to the One whose opinion really matters. It gets awfully hard to remember what His face looks like sometimes when all I can see is the darkness. It goes without saying that so often I just forget about Him. What nerve I have...that I should forget Him. I don't even need to explain how ridiculous that is.

Between encounters with Him I slip so far down and have nightmares about who I am and what I've done to Him. It pains me so much...and I become so hopeless sometimes. But the love story part of this is His investment in a bride who has done everything wrong and He loves her in spite of it. That is love. I chase Him and pursue Him and find Him hidden in His people and His miracles and His universe. Desperately I stumble after Him because instinctively I can comprehend that I need Him; even when I've brainwashed myself and become this prodigal I understand that I need Him and can't do it alone.

In contrast, sometimes after and encounter with my God things keep going great. The nightmares cease and the pits level out. Evenutally my perception

of myself has swelled so much that I become haughty, and, forgetting my need for my Savior, attempt to be MY OWN. When you start thinking you can be god and quickly discover you can't, you fall pretty hard. My vision is hazed as I try to pick myself up and try to display that I can handle life by myself. Slowly I build myself up again, and one day I come crashing down again. In the midst of this God watches me and laugh-cries, because I am so foolish and so small and like a tottering infant I try to act like an adult. But He steps in anyway and reminds me whose I am.

That moment is brutal and comforting, stern and affectionate. I step down off my pedestal and give Him back the wheel and let Him drive, because He knows best. I face two major extremes in my journey, to summarize: one is a feeling of extreme unworthiness and self-hate, and the other a bloated pride and self-savior mentality. One I desperately desire help, the other I believe I can be strong for everyone else. But I am under the loving care of the One who knows best and has righted my wrongs in perfect humility.